


Awakenings

by TJ_Dragonblade



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-25
Updated: 2004-08-15
Packaged: 2017-11-19 06:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/570171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TJ_Dragonblade/pseuds/TJ_Dragonblade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo's luck with the ladies one night leads Hakkai to the discovery of an inexplicable jealousy and Gojyo to the discovery of an equally inexplicable emptiness</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Started: 4/7/04  
> Drafted: 7/23/04  
> Revision Posted: 5/26/06

Cho Hakkai was fidgety.

He lay in the heavy, humid dark, staring blankly at the dimness of the ceiling above, listening to the soft rhythm of Hakuryu's tiny snores from the end of the bed and trying not to hear any of the muted sounds from Gojyo's room next door. He shifted every few moments, restless, wondering idly how late it had gotten to be by this point. 

_It's too warm in here for sleeping,_ he decided at last, tossing the blankets back and rising from the functionally comfortable bed. The evening had dragged on interminably and he'd been lying there attempting to sleep for far too long already; it was time to change some element of his environment and see if it might alter his luck any. He padded over to the sliding door that led out to the balcony and swept it open wide, hoping vainly to find that the rain had stopped and he might feel a refreshing draft of cool night air. 

What he got instead was a damp draft of warm night air and the soft, steady sound of rain continuing to fall on the foliage beyond the balcony. 

Somehow, though, it still managed to be somewhat refreshing simply in being a change from the stifling enclosure of the rented room.

At the foot of the bed, curled beneath the cover of his wings, Hakuryuu lifted his head and cocked it at his driver, red eyes blinking muzzily. "Kyuu?" he inquired, on a sleepy note of concern.

Hakkai turned his head from the doorway and smiled reassuringly. "Go back to sleep, Hakuryuu," he offered softly. "My insomnia is not so important that you should be kept from _your_ rest." 

The little dragon blinked at him again, then laid his head back down obediently, eyes closing, a soft snort puffing from his nostrils.

Hakkai turned back to the open balcony, resting one hand on the doorframe, lingering there another moment with eyes closed, listening to the rhythmic _shush_ of the warm rain. He breathed deeply of its sweet fragrance, trying to draw some of that natural calm into himself. 

It helped only a little.

After all, rain usually tended to dredge up more bitter memories than not; besides which, he'd been nursing an uncharacteristic discontent all night.

He had first taken note of it earlier that evening, when the four of them had been downstairs in the inn's tavern unwinding from the day's drive over dinner...

===  
"For the last time, shut UP!"

_-THWAP!-_

Sanzo's exasperated outburst was accompanied by the sound of his fan catching Goku across the back of the skull for the third time since the waitress had taken their order, followed closely by the boy's indignant yelp of discomfort. 

"Oww!"

Hakkai's guileless smile slipped a notch; resisting the urge to heave a tiny sigh, he sipped from the cup of tea he held in both hands. This was shaping up to be somewhat of a lively evening, for certain...

Goku rubbed at his thrice-smitten head, a hint of sullen irritation in his eyes. "I'm jus' sayin', it shouldn't take _this_ long to bring our food out! We've been waitin' forever, and I'm _starving_!" 

The vein in Sanzo's temple twitched. "What part of 'shut up' don't you understand?"

"It _does_ take this long when you order the whole damn menu," Gojyo interrupted, preventing Goku from responding to the priest and likely sparing him another thwap in the process. 

"I didn't order the _whole_ menu," Goku argued defensively.

Personally, Hakkai begged to differ but held his tongue.

Gojyo was not so politely inclined; one crimson eyebrow arched skeptically. "Sure sounded like the whole thing to me..."

"Nuh uh--there's that whole vegetarian section that I didn' even look at! And you _know_ Sanzo never lets me get dessert!"

Gojyo shook his head and snorted. "Still ordered more than enough all by yourself to keep the kitchen staff over-worked all night." He took another drag on his cigarette and flashed his most condescending grin across the table. "Baby monkey and his monster tummy need to learn the meaning of 'patience'." 

"Now now," Hakkai interceded, mildly and to no avail.

"I'm not a baby, you stupid cockr--!"

_-THWAP!-_

"Shut the hell _UP_! _Both_ of you!"

Hakkai's smile was mostly wry and mostly for himself. He hadn't really expected they would pay him any mind.

"OWW!"

"I am _not_ in the mood for you idiots and your screwing around!"

Gojyo snickered as Goku was left rubbing his poor abused cranium once again and turned, addressing Sanzo around his cigarette. "Oh, so there's times you _are_ in the mood for screwing around?" He lowered the cigarette, tapping ashes over the tray. "Good ta know," he drawled, and offered the peeved monk a knowing wink that bordered on outright flirtatious. 

The arrival of their meal at just that second was likely the only thing that prevented Gojyo from getting yet another up-close-and-personal view down the barrel of Sanzo's gun; as it turned out, he also completely missed the withering 'Drop-dead-you-idiot' glare that the blond leveled at him, distracted as he suddenly was by the low-slung neckline of the waitress' dress. 

"Okay, here we go!" she chirped, setting steaming plates on the table before the other three and motioning the two tray-laden girls accompanying her to Goku's place.

"Al _right_!" The appearance of dinner instantly restored Goku's usual cheer; he flashed his brightest grin of appreciation at the girls setting down what probably amounted to a substantial chunk of the kitchen's stores before lifting his chopsticks. "Thanks, guys--this smells _great_!" 

"Looks good, too," Gojyo added, stubbing his cigarette out in the ashtray and winking at the waitress in a way that made it perfectly clear he wasn't talking about the presentation of the food.

She dimpled, meeting his eyes boldly. "You're too kind," she purred, and her voice held a warm throaty depth to it that had not been there a moment before. "If you boys need anything else, just let me know." 

Gojyo's eyes followed the switch of her hips as she turned and walked away.

"You're disgustingly shameless," Sanzo muttered, not bothering to look up from his plate. " _Must_ you be so obvious?"

"Yeah, why not?" Gojyo shot back, unperturbed. "I make no apologies for bein' me." 

Sanzo shook his head once in exasperation. "Just keep it in your pants until the rest of us are finished eating." He stabbed at a chunk of pork with his chopsticks.

"Hah--you jealous, Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo leaned over and slung an arm around the priest's shoulders--a reckless and daring move to be sure, in Hakkai's opinion, but such adjectives had never much bothered his friend. "C'mon, then--if we work together, maybe we can talk her into a nice cozy little three-way--" 

The quick metallic ratcheting of the Smith and Wesson being cocked cut Gojyo off as he found his nose mashed into the business end of the thing; gingerly, he backed off and straightened up in his seat. "...or not," he amended with a shrug. "Just a thought." He picked up his glass. "And I thought monks were supposed to be _gracious_ ," he mumbled into it, and downed the last of his beer. 

Teeth gritted, vein in his temple throbbing again, Sanzo tucked the snub-nosed pistol back into his robes. "Just shut up and eat." He stabbed another chunk of meat, the movement short and vicious.

Gojyo raised his empty glass, waving it at the nearby waitress. "Oi, sweetheart! Can I get another beer over here when you got a sec?"

"An' more shoy shaushe!" Goku added, somehow managing to speak more-or-less understandably and without spitting any grains of the rice that filled his mouth.

"More tea as well, please, Miss." Hakkai spoke up, unflappably polite as ever, smiling brightly at the waitress as she returned.

"Of course!" She dimpled at Goku, returned Hakkai's smile, and whisked off with Gojyo's empty glass, the curve of her rear brushing the redhead's arm rather deliberately as she turned.

Gojyo smirked as the girl disappeared into the kitchen. "Ohh, yeah--she wants me."

Sanzo made a sound somewhere between an angry growl and a sigh of helpless frustration and stabbed at his plate again.

Thus dinner continued, all business as usual, really. Hakkai serenely worked his way through the modest helpings on his own plate, inscrutable smile in place. Goku was as culinarily enthusiastic as ever, Sanzo's acute crankiness was only to be expected when one considered that it was raining heavily outside tonight, and Gojyo remained in fine lady-killer form, continuing to flirt openly with the waitress when she came back with the tea and soy sauce and every time she returned to check in on them thereafter. 

Which she did rather a bit more than necessary.

Hakkai soon found himself slightly put-off and almost irritated, really, with her incessant attentions to their table. Or, more accurately, her attentions to Gojyo. She paid no mind beyond the norm to the rest of them but hovered closely about the lanky half-breed, laughing at nearly anything he said, batting her eyelashes and tittering appreciatively at his compliments, heaving her ample, well-displayed bosom dramatically with each giggling sigh of amusement. 

Hakkai found an odd sort of empty gnawing sensation growing somewhere deep in his gut as he detachedly observed the way her hand had come to rest upon Gojyo's shoulder oh-so-casually; feeling at last that it was high time she continued on about her work, he spoke up politely. 

"Miss, would you mind clearing some of this out of the way?" he asked, flashing his sunniest smile and indicating several dishes that Goku had already managed to empty.

"Certainly!" She moved nonchalantly from Gojyo's side, as if she hadn't been standing there the past five minutes or more, and sauntered around the table behind Goku. "My, _some_ one's hungry," she said, winking at the redhead even though her comment was ostensibly directed to Goku. 

"I am!" the boy agreed happily, licking some kind of sauce from his fingers and reaching for another pork bun. "This food is incredible!"

"I'll be sure to pass that along to the cook," she promised, leaning down to pick up the emptied plates and affording the very attentive Gojyo a clear view of her impressive cleavage.

He shifted slightly in his seat, a small, involuntary twitching sort of movement; the waitress flashed a saucy little wink at him before straightening back up and heading to the kitchen with a distinct sway to her hips and more than one smoky glance over her shoulder at him. 

Hakkai could only smile to himself as he observed all of this; his friend's whipcord body was wired so tight with excited tension it was a wonder that Gojyo could sit still at all.

Those uniquely crimson eyes turned to him, and Hakkai found himself smiling brightly again as Gojyo's sly grin turned conspiratorial.

"I am _so_ gettin' lucky tonight."

Hakkai laughed lightly. "You have my sincerest congratulations," he responded, amused; but behind the levity, he was left to wonder with mild perplexity why there was such a bitter taste lingering in his mouth when the food was truly as excellent as Goku had declared. 

As dinner wound down, Sanzo wiped his mouth and pushed his mostly-empty plate aside and paid the bill, then left the table with a surly "We leave early--be ready. And _try_ not to draw undue attention to yourselves." 

"Yeah, yeah yeah." Gojyo waved dismissively at the monk's retreating back and all but licked his chops as he rose, eyes on the bar where their waitress was serving the last of her drinks before ending her shift. "Don't wait up," he offered in parting with a self-assured smirk to his remaining companions. "Any luck, I'll be havin' a very long evening..." 

Goku raised his just-emptied chopsticks in a sloppy mock-salute. "Betcha you strike out in five minutes, tops," he snickered around his mouthful of pork bun and gods-knew-what-else.

Gojyo gave him a rather different sort of salute in return, the rude gesture watered down by the fact that the half-breed's eyes were still tracking the waitress. "Go to hell, you disgusting monkey," he offered with no real venom, and swaggered off toward the bar. "And quit talkin' with your mouth full," he shot back over his shoulder. 

"Stupid pervy nympho kappa," Goku muttered almost absently, returning to his plate with relish.

Hakkai just smiled the same smile that such exchanges usually brought to his face, but deep inside he registered a stirring of resentment as he watched Gojyo walk away and a faint frown of puzzled annoyance crossed his brow. 

Why should it bother him so that Gojyo was shamelessly trolling for sexual conquests? That was what Gojyo did, after all. Women were Gojyo's pastime, his recreation, his stress relief. And certainly, he'd had none too many chances to indulge over the course of this journey--if opportunity had chosen tonight to come knocking, Gojyo had every right to answer the door. 

As he sat there and watched Gojyo flirt across the room, though, Hakkai was forced to admit to himself that in all honesty, he really would have preferred his friend to stay there at the table with him. He was somehow not in the mood to be alone this evening. While it was certainly true that he could either continue to avail himself of Goku's presence or seek out Sanzo as he occasionally did when it rained, neither option held the same appeal as conversing late into the night with Gojyo over their respective drinks of choice. 

Gojyo, after all, was the one person who had come to know him best in this wretched lonely world and the one person for whom he felt the most affinity. Gojyo had found him in the midst of his darkest nightmare and slowly guided him to the acceptance that dying wouldn't really help things in the long run. Gojyo had risked life and limb for him without even knowing his name. Gojyo had convinced him that the effort of living could still be worthwhile, and that maybe--just maybe--he wouldn't have to do it entirely on his own. 

Gojyo filled all manner of holes in his life; yet tonight, when Hakkai was finding himself beginning to genuinely want for his friend's presence, Goyjo was off perched on a barstool with a rakish grin on his lips and his arm slung about the shoulders of his serving-girl admirer. 

Even as Hakkai watched, Gojyo made a move that passed beyond flirting, brazenly pulling the waitress into his lap and plying her with persuasive kisses. The other bar patrons cheered their rowdy encouragement as the waitress pulled coyly away from him, laughing; Hakkai's eyes narrowed and he felt that restless discontent stirring in his gut again. He found himself unable to tear his gaze from the scene they made; he didn't realize quite how hard he was staring until Gojyo caught his eye from across the room and flashed a subtle 'V-for-victory' sign behind the waitress' back while he not-so-subtly groped her admittedly shapely backside. 

She squealed, and laughed again, and batted ineffectually at him in a half-hearted show of obligatory protest.

Hakkai turned his eyes away at last and picked up his cup of tea, wishing suddenly that he had thought to order something stronger. Not that it would have done him any good--

His thoughts were interrupted when Goku piped up out of the blue.

"Ne, Hakkai--you jealous?"

Startled, Hakkai turned a look half-annoyed and half-incredulous on the boy, speechless at the idea and rather affronted by it as well. How dare Goku be suggesting, teasingly or otherwise, that he lusted after Gojyo? 

Goku shrank back from the unexpectedly harsh gaze, eyes wide, hands held before him, placating despite the chopsticks still caught between his fingers. "Geesh, lighten up, okay? You don't have to go all Sanzo on me. I just thought that if you were lookin' for--well, y'know--that girl over there's been makin' moony-eyes at your back all night..." 

Hakkai blinked, nonplussed, and found himself forced to laugh--at Goku for the ludicrous idea that he was looking to find a bedmate of his own, and at himself for jumping to an even more ludicrous conclusion beforehand. "I'm sorry, Goku," he apologized as his mirth subsided, rubbing sheepishly at the back of his head, still amused. "No, no, I'm really not at all interested in taking up Gojyo's habits." 

Goku shrugged, popping the end of a spring roll into his mouth and continuing to talk around it. "Well, with the way you were starin' at Gojyo and that waitress..." He left the statement hanging unfinished and went back to polishing off the last of the food on the table. 

And Hakkai found himself indeed staring once again at his friend across the room, troubled.

'Jealous', after all, was the perfect word for how he felt. But...why?

Jealous that the girl would be sharing Gojyo's bed that night instead of him?

He dismissed the thought before it was fully formed--he had no idea why such a notion had been the first thing to pop into his head, had occurred to him at all. Gojyo was his friend, his _male_ friend, and clearly Hakkai had spent too much time in his lecherous company if such outlandish and lewd thoughts sprang so readily to mind. 

Jealous, then, that Gojyo had found a woman for the night and he himself had not?

And again, he dismissed the thought. After all, if he had truly wanted female companionship for the evening there were plenty of opportunities, as Goku had so innocently pointed out.

Jealous, perhaps, that Gojyo had chosen to spend time with a stranger rather than with his friend?

Hakkai pondered that notion a bit longer than the previous two, deciding that indeed that must be it. 

Which brought him right back 'round to the logic that he had started with--that Gojyo was an incorrigible womanizer who ought not be expected to drop his habits at the melancholy whim of a friend who had given no indication whatsoever that he would be particularly glad of the half-breed's continued company that evening. 

Feeling irrationally irritable once again, Hakkai forced his attention elsewhere and finished his tea, conversing briefly with Goku before excusing himself and retreating upstairs for the night. He considered checking in on Sanzo, but he was really in no mood himself to be a calming presence for the other and continued past the priest's closed door to his own room. Hakuryuu was outside on the balcony, sheltered from the rain, somehow knowing as he always did which room would be Hakkai's and waiting patiently to be let inside. 

Hakkai invited the dragon in, and availed himself of the shower, and read briefly from a book he'd picked up somewhere along the way before finally settling himself in to sleep for the night, still disturbed by his irritation and bothered by the idea that he could be so adversely and inexplicably affected by the casual and commonplace behaviour of his friends. 

Or rather, of one friend in specific.

Subconsciously, he acknowledged that he was behaving after a rather possessive fashion, and wondered absently if perhaps his attachment to Gojyo was a bit unhealthy.

He sighed, and closed his eyes, hoping sleep would take him quickly and soothe his troubled mind.

===  
But slumber had proven frustratingly elusive. He'd lain there not sleeping for at least a good hour, fidgeting a little, wishing the room were a few degrees cooler, wishing as well that the rain and his incessantly circular thoughts would cease but knowing all the while that he was wishing in vain. Then he'd heard the sounds of Gojyo's laughter out in the hall, and the low giggles of that waitress accompanying him, and the muffled murmuring of their voices as they faded into Gojyo's room. 

And Hakkai had felt that jealousy lodge itself bitterly in his throat.

He'd fidgeted in his bed awhile longer, trying to ignore the muted sounds that managed to make it through the wall, trying not to think about what those sounds signified. At long last, mindful of disturbing his winged bedmate with his restlessness, he'd ended up standing here before the open doorway, breathing the scent of the rain and wondering why on earth he was still feeling so...so... 

Betrayed.

He shifted into the doorway, leaning his back against the frame, half indoors and half out, arms folded loosely before him, contemplating.

After all, it couldn't be simple annoyance over Gojyo's choice of companionship anymore; for he wasn't interested so much in keeping anyone's company as in getting to sleep at the moment.

That left him two explanations: Either he truly had wanted a woman, or he had wanted...

How ridiculous. No, there was only one explanation. 

Goku had been right after all. Deep down, on some unconscious level, Hakkai's body must have been trying to tell him that it was high time he indulged himself in the pleasures of the female population.

After all, he hadn't been with a woman since...well--

He shied away unconsciously from that train of thought.

Since...Before.

Before he had become Cho Hakkai.

Which, oddly enough, made it technically correct to think of himself as a virgin, should he want to...

The notion made him smile, very slightly, and he shook his head.

"This is all quite pointless," he said softly aloud, pushing off from the doorframe and stepping back inside the room. It was too late by now to be seeking a bedmate for the night; it was high time for weary travelers such as himself to sleep.

Gojyo's present activities notwithstanding.

That sharp pang of betrayal made itself known yet again, and again Hakkai brushed it off, mildly annoyed, turning back toward his bed and leaving the sliding door open wide in hopes of stirring the heavy air just the slightest bit. He felt quite safe in doing so--none of the assassins they'd faced yet had proved any sort of real threat, Kougaiji and his cronies aside; Hakkai was relatively confident, however, that those four were not the sort to sneak in through open windows and attack without announcing themselves honorably beforehand. 

Careful not to jar the dozing Hakuryuu, he slid wearily into his bed again and left the blankets turned back, still warmer than comfortable and feeling no closer to sleep. 

And still unable to shut out the faint sounds of copulation from next door.

He lay there on his back awhile, staring once more at the dimness of the ceiling above him, fingers interlaced across his stomach, waiting in apparent patience for the pair in the next room to finish their tryst and settle into silence, a soft sigh the only outward sign of his restlessness. 

But the moments stretched longer, and longer still, with no indication that Gojyo and his waitress would be winding down any time soon. Hakkai quickly found himself genuinely irked. 

_My, but Gojyo certainly has remarkable stamina,_ he thought wryly.

And felt himself blush.

He blinked, suddenly aware of the softest sort of heat seeping into his face.

 _How odd._ He raised one hand, fingertips brushing across his cheek, verifying that indeed the warmth was there to the touch as well. He frowned slightly, puzzled.

 _Now...really, why should thinking of Gojyo's stamina make me_ blush _?_

Unfortunately, such a thought was a bad idea. He had learned long ago that one should never ask a question if one is not prepared to hear the answer; apparently the same logic applied to forming questions in one's head. For as soon as the thought had occurred to him, his mind leapt to supply him with a reason. 

In a flash of sub-conscious longing he was struck by the sudden vision of Gojyo braced close above him, sheathed hard and unmistakable beneath the spreading of his legs, that lean lanky body tense and damp with sweat, heavier and hotter than the humid room about them. He could almost feel the pleasures of skin against skin and flesh within flesh, the power of Gojyo moving inside him; could almost taste the nicotine-laced heat of his best friend's kiss-- 

Hakkai gasped abruptly, dispelling the brief snapshot of vision as he sat bolt upright in the bed, heart pounding.

Where on earth had _that_ come from?

His gaze whipped down and about, wide-eyed, as if the source of such things could be found lying on the bed beside Hakuryuu; his hands trembled ever so slightly where they clutched the thrown-back sheets in his lap. 

And he realized, with a distinct sinking in his stomach, that the deepest part of his mind had warmed all too quickly to that flash of utter madness.

"Heaven help me," he murmured, bowing his head, hair feathering carelessly along the curve of his right ear with the motion. "I don't think this is a very good sign..."

At his feet, Hakuryuu lifted his head, gazing intently at his driver once more, demeanor clearly one of wary concern. Hakkai glanced up at the movement; sensing the tension in his little friend, he gathered his composure and leaned forward to scoop Hakuryuu into his lap. 

"Does my restlessness worry you, Hakuryuu?" he asked softly, smiling gently, stroking the back of one finger beneath the dragon's chin and down the white serpentine neck. 

Hakuryuu's eyes slid halfway closed and he nearly purred, arching and curving with the touch, dipping his head to butt at the palm of Hakkai's hand encouragingly with a tiny little squeak. Hakkai's smile warmed a bit more and he gave in willingly enough, petting the dragon as not-so-subtly requested. 

"Please don't feel the need to concern yourself, my friend," he said at last, rubbing gently behind Hakuryuu's ears. "There are many things on my mind, tonight. It's going to take a bit of thought to sort them all out, and you need your rest more than any of us. I'll be quite alright." 

Hakuryuu opened one scarlet eye and fixed him with a blatantly skeptical look. "Kyuu," he offered, his tone clearly doubtful.

Hakkai laughed, softly, affectionate, and lifted the dragon to deposit him on one end of the pillow. "Go to sleep, please, Hakuryuu," he commanded, amusement evident in his voice despite the mock-stern tone. "I'll settle my mind and go back to bed soon, I promise." 

"Kyuu~u..." The dragon mewled his reluctant acquiescence and shook himself briefly, yawning widely as he stretched his wings. He settled sleepily into the pillow, folding and curling in on himself with one last glance at Hakkai before closing his eyes again. 

Hakkai shook his head and slid gently from the bed, standing smoothly and smiling fondly down at the little creature. It seemed almost backward for the diminutive dragon to be worrying about him.

His gaze lifted to the open doorway leading to the balcony, and his thoughts turned back to the man next door. Again a brief snapshot of vision flashed to his mind's eye before he could stop it--Gojyo impaled in his lap this time, moving rhythmically atop him, pressing him back against mattress and headboard, panting harshly in his ear; his own arms wrapped about Gojyo, gripping him tightly, fingers digging into the slick flesh of his shoulders and buttocks; his face buried in the crook of Gojyo's neck, his hips thrusting urgently upward-- 

He shook the vision away hastily, shuddering slightly as the heat rose to his face again, still attempting denial of what his subconscious was pressing for him to acknowledge.

"It is far too warm in here," he muttered, turning abruptly. Distracted and agitated, he stripped off the loose shirt he generally slept in, fitfully disregarding his usual modesty. There was no one at the moment to see the scar, after all. He tossed the garment onto the rumpled bed, then picked up his monocle and slipped it into place as he strode to the balcony. He found himself grateful for the slight stirring of a faint breeze through the humid air as he stepped outside. 

He moved to the smooth wooden railing and leaned his crossed arms upon it, staring out at the quiet warmth of the rain, mind churning.

Gojyo...he could not be attracted to Gojyo. The idea was just too far-fetched. It was fatigue playing with him, surely; he had wanted a woman, hadn't he? 

He turned, leaning back on his elbows, eyes roaming along the lines of the overhanging roof above, ignoring the slight edge of desperation to his thoughts as he reassured himself. He had meant to envision a woman in his bed, certainly. 

To prove it to those little distressed voices in the back of his head, he closed his eyes and conjured up just such a vision, trying to recall what it felt like to bed the fragrant softness of a woman, what it felt like to love her supple body and taste her waiting lips-- 

\--and choked on the sudden tightening of his throat; for all he could see behind the darkness of his closed lids was Kanan. Kanan, and the simple unwavering trust in her vibrant green eyes that first time they'd made love; Kanan, alive and beautiful in the sunshine that brightened at the sound of her easy laughter; Kanan, tender and welcoming as she greeted him home with soft kisses each evening... 

And he recalled, with heart-rending clarity, the bittersweet-sorrowful smile on her lovely face as she'd plunged his knife into her violated belly...

Hakkai shivered, sliding down the railing to sit on the deck of the balcony. He wrapped his arms around himself and bowed his head, tears burning at the backs of his eyes.

It was no use, and deep down he'd already known it.

He could never be carefree or casual about women, not after Kanan; his dear, sweet, tragic Kanan...

The tears slid free, a single solitary droplet streaming from each eye, and he let them run their brief course. Three years had not healed the pain of that night; he doubted that three hundred would be enough to truly overcome it. It was simply not the sort of thing that ever went away. 

And empty sex with anonymous women would be nothing more than a hollow shadow of what he had once had, an affront to the memory of his beloved sister. 

Which is why, in the damp dark of this rainy summer night, he was forced to acknowledge that he'd been avoiding the truth all evening.

That inescapable truth was now laid bare before him, with no more sensibly pragmatic excuses or explanations to hide behind.

His jealousy toward that waitress was born of unspoken emotions that ran deep within him.

He longed for Gojyo.

Not just as a companion, or as a friend, or even as a simple lover, no; with all his soul--assuming he even had such a thing left--with the heart of his very being, he yearned for the two of them to have the easy closeness and effortless contentment that he had first found with Kanan. He _wanted_ Gojyo, not as a replacement for her memory, but as an heir to the deepest care and affection and devotion of which she had proven him capable. 

And he had been wanting it far longer than just tonight.

Denial and rationalization were crumbling swiftly away now that the admission had been made. He could see in retrospect that he had been slowly falling for months upon months, since long before Sanzo had summoned them on this journey, and perhaps even since the very beginning. There was the warm, subtle contentment he'd begun to feel when Gojyo would spend the evenings at home with him, and the underlying feeling of comfort and belonging that had settled into the little house they kept together. There were the soft pangs of loneliness he'd casually dismissed those times that Gojyo would still stay out late gambling or fail to come home at all until morning, hardly bothering to hide the rosy marks low on his neck or the smug glow in his face. There was the vague irritation he'd ignored without conscious thought when Goyjo would flirt up the girls in the marketplace as they did their shopping. There was the fierce, unspoken need he'd felt in defense of Gojyo when that louse Banri had dragged him back into trouble. And even just that deep uncanny sense of _knowing_ Gojyo that he'd gotten when he'd returned from the dead and opened his eyes to find that lanky body and shockingly red hair and scarred face leaning over the head of the bed, staring down at him with equal parts annoyance and exasperation and curiosity and relief that first time--none of it had ever really given Hakkai a second thought. Now, though... 

Now, as he sat in the warm humidity of this night beneath the shelter of the balcony roof, all those little things resurfaced gently in his memory, compounding and multiplying and sweeping him along on a swelling tide of realization that crested at last in the soft whisper of one tiny word that brought an utter stillness to his thoughts. 

It was a powerful word, a frightening word, and he turned from it in hasty denial.

He stared at the nothingness of moistly heavy air directly before his face instead, unable to dismiss the matter but considering it in safer terms--'care', 'need', 'fondness' and so forth, uncertain still of his capacity to admit to such attachments, such _emotions_ , again. 

He raised his head, eyes drawn to the sliding door on the balcony adjoining his, the portal into Gojyo's room. He was grateful in that moment for the closed glass and the drawn blinds that prevented his witnessing the activity in the bed beyond where Gojyo casually bestowed his affections on some stranger, for the soft wet static of the rain that masked any sounds from within. 

"...My closest friend..." he murmured softly aloud, rising at last from his emotionally-defensive huddle and leaning his elbows against the railing once more, still staring toward Gojyo's window. He shook his head and let it fall back bonelessly, eyes drawn aimlessly to the runnels of rainwater dribbling from the edge of the roof while one question pulled itself to the forefront of his consciousness. 

_What on earth am I to do about this?_


	2. Chapter 2

Gojyo shifted against the bed, restless, sticky, and just too damn hot--and he would've been equally uncomfortable even without the passed-out waitress pressed up naked against his side. The room was stuffy and the air humid to begin with; physical exertion hadn't helped it one little bit. 

In fact, taking the waitress to bed hadn't seemed to help anything at all.

Oh, certainly, she was a pretty little thing with all the right curves and she definitely knew what to do with a man--his body was drained and physically satisfied, but somehow his heart just hadn't been in it. He'd taken damn near forever to get off and while the girl hadn't had any complaints about it, Gojyo himself was a bit puzzled and vaguely alarmed by the length of time involved. 

Not to mention exhausted. She'd taken everything out of him, and yet still the restive bliss of sleep eluded him. 

Why? 'Cause he was too damn busy thinking, that's why. Wondering _why_ he hadn't been able to get into it, wondering why the sex never seemed quite as good as it used to be anymore, wondering why this particular girl was still here, wondering why he still felt that empty craving deep inside when he'd just spent a good hour or more fucking and wondering half-consciously underneath it all why Hakkai had looked so damn broody while watching him downstairs in the tavern earlier. 

After all, it wasn't like Hakkai had been angling for the waitress and Gojyo had stolen her out from under him--she'd had eyes only for Gojyo since the evening began. And Hakkai...well, Gojyo had never known him to chase women in any fashion, really, but if he had been looking to start the habit tonight, there'd been a bashful young school-teacherly type eyeing him across the room who would've given him much more of the attention he was looking for than the bawdy waitress. 

But Hakkai...was Hakkai, and whatever mood had possessed him earlier was probably because of the damned rain anyway and Gojyo was currently just a little too anxious over this lack of real gratification to dwell on his friend's quirks. 

The sex tonight had fallen alarmingly flat. It had started well enough, but strangely the thrill had sparked and died before he'd been able to coax it into a flame. Oh, sure, he really hadn't been able to get many women into bed since this damn journey started, so maybe it was all lack of practice. But...shouldn't that make him want it more, not less? 

Come to think of it, though, if he was flat-out honest with himself, sex hadn't been what it used to be for quite awhile now. Even before he and Hakkai had headed west with Sanzo and the monkey-boy. 

So he couldn't blame it all on the journey.

But what, then? _Why_?

Was he past his prime already? He'd heard it said that men reached their sexual peak at nineteen on average, and he'd been nineteen three years ago. Was sex going to be all downhill from here?

Now there was a depressing thought.

Against his side, the waitress shifted and mumbled something into his ribcage, one arm lifting to flop across his stomach.

Gojyo grimaced.

Too damn hot for that, and it was annoying, somehow, at the same time. He was just too restless to lay here cuddling with some stranger, no matter how pretty her face or how nice her rack.

That settled it, then. The girl would have to go.

He leaned up on one elbow and reached for her shoulder, mouth opening; he paused, and then closed it, a little sheepishly.

_...Damn. What the hell was her name again?_

He frowned, wracking his brain. _Mei...Mei Lei? Mei Lin? Mei Ling? Mei Lan?_ It was something like that, he was relatively sure; Mei would have to do. He shook her shoulder gently.

"Hey. Mei, honey, wake up."

"Mmmm?" She rolled a little and lifted her head, blinking at him in the low lamplight with those smoky sex-kitten eyes that had hooked him to begin with. Well--that had sunk the deal for him after the display she'd made of her cleavege had hooked him, technically, but that was a moot point by now. "S'matter, baby, y'wanna go ag'n?" she slurred, stirring from her slumber, more than willing to follow her own suggestion. 

"Uhh...no." He recoiled the tiniest bit; it was all he could do to keep the assertion calm. It took damn near everything he had to finish the first time, and she wanted to do it again?

"Mmm, too bad," she purred, pushing up on one elbow to match his stance, not at all concerned about covering her nakedness. "What can I do for you, then?"

Every word that came out of her mouth was tempered for seduction, even now, and by simple habit, Gojyo's eyes flicked over what he could see of her. Pretty face, smooth skin, nice curves, great boobs--she was sexy, undeniably sexy, desirable and appealing by almost any standards; and yet...and yet... 

And yet she completely failed to excite him even a little anymore.

Gojyo dredged up his disarming grin from wherever it had hidden itself and turned it on her full force, even as he sat up.

"Well," he drawled, lingering lightly over the word, "turns out, I'm not in the mood for sleepin' just yet. And I got too much on my mind for anythin' else." He slipped just enough hint of regret into his tone to sound sincerely apologetic. 

"And I take it then you're one of those guys who finds it easier to sort his thoughts without a naked woman in his bed to distract him, hmm?" Her smile was lazy and complacent as she spoke, and she stretched lightly in a way that showed off her body even more. 

"Yeah, that's right." Part of him was appalled at the idea of kicking this girl out without at least one more romp in the sack, but most of him just wanted her gone already.

"Well, then." She sat up, twisting to face him and planting a kiss on his mouth. "Thanks for a good time, Red. Can I come see you tomorrow night?"

Gojyo resisted the urge to wipe his lips; her kiss was just a little too wet for his liking at the moment. "'Fraid we're leavin' in the morning, sweetheart. But I'll look you up next time I come through, how's that?" He kept the grin in place, wishing she'd just get up and get dressed and get the hell out. 

"It's a deal." She turned and rose from the bed, each movement languid and unconcerned as she picked up her dress and slipped back into it, retrieving her apron as she finished and pulling a pen and a slip of paper from the pocket. 

"Here," she breathed, scrawling quickly across the face of the scrap and pressing it into his hand. "I live here as well as work here; I'll make it worth your while to keep your word..." She trailed off with a sultry wink and straightened back up, running her fingertips along a lock of Gojyo's disheveled hair as she withdrew. "And my room is downstairs just off the kitchen, in case you change your mind tonight." She blew him a kiss and sashayed out the door. 

Gojyo exhaled a sigh of relief and glanced down at the paper in his hand. She'd written her name--which was Mei Ling, as it turned out--and the name of the inn for his future reference with a stylish, effeminate flourish, exactly as he would have expected... 

He blinked, staring down at the little slip lying weightlessly in his palm; then, with a quick shake of his head, he wadded it swiftly and lobbed it into the trashcan at the foot of the bed.

He had absolutely no interest in seeing her again.

And that disturbed him.

"I need a smoke," he muttered, swinging his legs off the bed and casting about for his pants. Pulling them on, he stood and fished his lighter out of the back pocket, then plucked a cigarette from the pack on the bedside table and lit up. He took a long drag, eyes closing at that first soothing hint of tobacco, and blew the smoke out carelessly in a soft sigh. 

What the hell was wrong with him tonight?

_Probably oughtta go outside,_ he thought with just a trace of irritation. _Sanzo'll give me hell if I get us kicked out_ again _for smoking indoors against policy..._ He stuck the cigarette back between his lips and stepped over to the sliding glass door. _Stupid policy anyway..._ He twisted the blinds open, letting the low light from his room spill out onto the balcony, and reached to push back the door. 

The unexpected sight of Hakkai on the adjoining balcony drew him up short; he paused, hand on the latch, staring.

_...Damn, he's..._ beautiful _..._

Now, Gojyo was not ashamed to say that he was nothing short of the finest judge concerning male beauty--after all, a man needed to be able to size up his competition when it came to winning the ladies, right? Not that he had too much of that, in all honesty, but back to the point. He had admitted right from the get-go that Hakkai was indeed a very pretty face. And he'd caught a glimpse of the other half-naked a time or two before, what with their living together and all. But... 

Never, in the three-plus years they'd been acquainted, never had Gojyo looked at Hakkai in any state of dress or lack thereof and found himself forgetting to breathe this way.

Hakkai was leaning back against the rail of his own balcony near the corner where both met. His feet were bare and crossed at the ankles, his elbows propped casually against the polished wood; his face was tipped up toward the roof, accentuating a long arch of smooth, lean neck. The only thing he wore, oddly enough, was his usual pair of slender khaki pants; the pale warm yellowed light from Gojyo's opened blinds played whisperingly over Hakkai's bared skin, blending sculpted shadow and soft highlighting in such a way as to somehow remind one that his eyes were very, _very_ green beneath the dark fringe of his bangs. 

He looked almost ethereal in the light mistiness of the rainy night; pale and beautiful and downright sensual.

Gojyo blinked, thinking for a split-second that maybe this wasn't Hakkai after all, that he'd gotten turned around somehow or other and Hakkai's room was on the other side of him and he was standing here stupidly staring at some stranger--Hakkai just did not lounge about shirtless, in Gojyo's experience. But he knew before the thought finished that it couldn't be anyone other than Hakkai. That long, ragged line of scar tissue lancing across the flat plane of his belly was unmistakable, for one thing. A stranger would have little use for the limiters cuffed to his left ear, for another; besides, no one else Gojyo'd ever seen wore a half-pair of spectacles as a monocle that way. 

The sight of the eyepiece made Gojyo realize two things.

One: The pants technically weren't the only thing Hakkai was wearing after all, and Two: Hakkai was staring back at him, and he must look pretty damned stupid gawking from behind the glass this way.

He jerked into motion, embarrassed, shoving the door aside and stepping out into the warm humidity of the balcony.

"Hey, Hakkai--couldn't sleep, eh?"

The lamest of greetings, yeah, but maybe if he played like he hadn't been standing there staring Hakkai wouldn't ask him why he had been.

Because he really didn't have a good answer for that.

Hakkai blinked, and tilted his head slightly, glancing past Gojyo to see that the room behind was indeed empty before answering, lips curving in a faint smile.

"Ahh...not very well, no. There was a good bit of noise coming through the wall, I'm afraid..."

Much to his own surprise, Gojyo flushed.

They hadn't been _that_ loud, had they?

He grinned, sheepish, cigarette clamped in his teeth as he rubbed at the back of his head with an apologetic laugh. "Heh...oops. Sorry 'bout that, then..."

Hakkai took in the unexpected blush and burst out laughing, that warm, light-hearted sound that his friend so loved to hear. "My, Gojyo--I don't believe I've ever seen you turn quite that color before!" he offered at last, still smiling. 

Gojyo kept grinning, making the best of it. Since when the hell had discussion of his sexual escapades embarrassed him? "Well, y'know--I figure if maybe my hair and my face are the same color, the hair won't stand out so bad." Certainly not the snappiest comeback he'd ever spit out, but it did keep Hakkai smiling. "Am I there yet?" 

"Mmm...almost." Hakkai still sounded entirely too amused. "May I ask if you enjoyed yourself, at least?"

The grin faded swiftly as Gojyo's somber unease returned to the forefront of his attention. "...Yes and no," he hedged, shrugging and turning away a little, moving to the rail of his own balcony. He stared out blankly at the shrouded curtain of the rain, taking another drag. 

Hakkai pushed lazily out of his lounging posture and leaned both crossed arms on the railing that split the balcony in two, eyes on his friend. "It sounds as though perhaps things didn't go so well," he said, softly. "Would you like to tell me what you mean by 'yes and no'?" 

Gojyo blew a soft stream of smoke out the corner of his mouth, sighing. Of course Hakkai wasn't just going to let that pass--it was a statement that invited elaboration, after all, and Hakkai was pretty well used to being the ear that Gojyo bent whenever something was on his mind. 

"It means...oh, hell, I don't know _what_ it means. She was incredible, it felt incredible, she took everything out of me and I should be passed out in there beside her reliving the whole damn evening in my dreams but instead I kicked her out and here I am pissy as our exalted Sanzo-sama wondering why I just couldn't get _in_ to it." He stabbed the cigarette back between his lips for another drag, frustrated. 

"So...perhaps...you weren't truly in the mood after all...?" Hakkai left the question hanging open-ended, leading, his tone neutral yet sympathetic, gently directing Gojyo into deeper self-exploration.

"Sort of. I mean I was, but...it's like...like it just wasn't what it should be." He turned, leaning back against the rail, unconsciously mirroring Hakkai's posture from moments earlier. "The flirting was exciting, but once I got her into bed it's like...something vital shut down and...I don't know, I was just goin' through the motions? Like my body was running on automatic and my mind was tryin' to be somewhere else entirely?" 

"It sounds almost as though you were bored with her."

Gojyo blinked, considering, drawing thoughtfully on his cigarette before lowering it away again. "Yeah...that sounds kinda like it. Not really bored, though; maybe just...disinterested?"

"'Disinterested', hmm? In a woman so pretty as that?" Hakkai caught his gaze, a teasing glint in his eye and a warm thread of amusement under his voice. "I suppose it might not be so difficult to believe..." His face crinkled into an innocent smile and he lifted a single finger informatively. "It _is_ often said that men generally peak at nineteen, after all..." 

Gojyo blinked, slightly taken aback; for hadn't he just thought the same thing not twenty minutes before inside? He shook his head, waving his cigarette dismissively at the other. "Ah, shut up. You're depressin' me over here," he huffed, ignoring the niggling sensation that Hakkai could read his mind. It was just plain uncanny how often the two of them mirrored each other's thoughts that way. 

Hakkai laughed, and Gojyo absently noted the warm thrill that crept down the back of his neck at the sound of it. Amusing Hakkai was just one of those things that he did for the pure simple pleasure of it. His friend's laughter was...well, the word 'sweet' came to mind, not that Gojyo ever really gave it that much thought. 

"So what's got you outta bed so late, anyhow?" he asked, feeling that he'd been the subject of the conversation long enough.

Hakkai's expression shifted very slightly, a flash of something raw and haunted flickering in his so-green eyes as the briefest look of hesitant longing dodged through them and disappeared. His face slid easily into his brightest smile as he straightened up, arms folded loosely in front of his bare stomach, and he moved a pace or two away. "Ahh...well, as I said--the walls are rather a bit too thin, you see; I never would have imagined you were 'disinterested' from the sounds I overheard..." He sidestepped the question smoother than silk, eyes fixing on Gojyo again, intense and innocent, teasing once more. 

Gojyo suppressed a soft snort of wry annoyance--he should have known Hakkai would deflect the change of subject right back at him; his friend knew him too well to believe all that needed saying had been said already.

He lowered his cigarette and tipped his head back, a thin trail of smoke accompanying the sigh he let out. "Dammit, Hakkai, I don't know! I really can't explain it." It came out with more force than he'd meant it to; he twisted the corner of his mouth up in a half-smile to soften the unintended harshness and moved to lean on the center rail that his friend had vacated. "I just don't get it." He shook his head, frustrated. "I'm drained. Physically, it was everything anyone could hope to ask for, but...it wasn't _enough_. Something in me still wants _more_. But there's nothin' more she could have done, so what the hell was I really expectin' to get out of it that's left me feeling so damned _empty_ , huh?" 

Hakkai sobered visibly; turning, he paced away again, toward the darkness of his open door this time. "...Emotional significance, perhaps?" he offered softly, the silver gleam of his limiters seeming particularly brilliant from the dimness now shadowing his face. 

Gojyo pondered that a long moment, taking one final drag on his cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray beside him and stuffing his hands in his pockets, moving to lean against the wall beside his own door, unconsciously following Hakkai. "Maybe," he conceded, glancing over at his friend. 

Hakkai looked up, arms still crossed over his stomach, hiding the scar, lips drawn upward in a bright smile that looked somehow out of place. "My, now--Sha Gojyo, renowned womanizer, bane of fathers and brothers throughout the land, weary at last of his casual encounters?" His voice had that terribly-amused note to it again, but the haunted look in his still-shadowed eyes was anything but light-hearted. "I do believe the world may be coming to an end!" 

Gojyo snorted, eyes closing as he leaned his head back against the wall. "Yeah, well...maybe. Maybe I am growin' up, past my prime, all that crap. Doesn't mean I feel like settling down with any one chick, though..." 

"Mm. Of course not." Hakkai's tone was somewhere between patronizing and placating, dancing that line that made it utterly impossible to tell if he was serious or not. "Heaven forbid--what would everybody say?" 

"They'd probably say it's about damn time I pulled my head outta my pants and started thinkin' with somethin' other than my dick," Gojyo conceded, a little sullenly, eyes still closed. 

"Ohh, but that's not entirely fair," Hakkai returned, still in that same inscrutable tone. "You only think with it half the time as it is..."

Gojyo sighed, not quite sure if that was exactly an insult or not and unable to muster any snappy comeback witty enough to make Hakkai laugh again regardless. He shrugged. "Maybe it _is_ time to 'grow up'," he said quietly, comfortable in the darkness behind his closed lids. "Then again, maybe I'm just in some kinda broody funk. Maybe spending all my time with you and that stinking monk is getting to me--you two and your _moods_ with the rain could damn well be contagious. Maybe I'll be fine and over it come morning. But right now...it just feels like maybe there was something missing. And it's kinda been missing for a long time." He cracked one eye open and fixed it on Hakkai. "But you tell anyone I _ever_ said anything of the sort, and I _will_ kick your ass--got that?" 

The laughter was in Hakkai's voice. "Of course."

"Now." Goyjo straightened up, eyes opening and fixing intently on his friend; he turned to the rail between them, bracing both hands on it, leaning forward into Hakkai's space. "You gonna tell me what's goin' on with _you_? Or do you wanna keep pretendin' it's all sunshine and lilies in that pretty little head of yours?" 

Hakkai paled, drawing back, the look on his face one of having been taken completely off-guard though he rallied admirably.

"Really, Gojyo, whatever makes you suppose it's not all sunshine and lilies in this pretty little head of mine?"

That gave Gojyo an instant's pause--he hadn't meant to voice the 'pretty little head' bit of his remark, hadn't realized he'd actually said it until Hakkai repeated it. Not that it really mattered--similar things had come out of his mouth before, and Hakkai just seemed to take it in stride. He straightened up and folded his arms implacably before him, raising one eyebrow and fixing his friend with an expression of blatant skepticism, his tone mildly scoffing. "Please, Hakkai--I know you better than that." 

"...I suppose you do," Hakkai conceded, his feigned nonchalance sliding quietly away. 

"Damned right I do. Now spill."

Hakkai looked up, and met his gaze, and Gojyo found himself suddenly pinned. There was...something, in Hakkai's eyes; something that made him feel oddly warmer. Then Hakkai blinked and abruptly that heat was gone, replaced instead by a shuttered melancholy. 

_What the hell was_ that _?_ Gojyo blinked in turn, unable to interpret whatever he'd just seen, dismissing it as Hakkai spoke at last.

"I...it's only...I just find myself thinking about Kanan again," Hakkai said, trying for matter-of-fact and falling a bit flat.

"Ah, _dammit_." Gojyo cursed softly, pushing off from the rail and shoving his hands back in his pockets, inadvertently tugging his pants to ride a bit lower on his hips. "It's the damned rain, isn't it. It's always bringin' up bad memories for you." He looked out at the steady drizzle a moment, scowling, then turned back to Hakkai. "If I had my way about it, there'd be no more rain. I'd much rather have you happy all the time." He shook his head. "Don't know what to do with you when you're depressed." 

The expression on Hakkai's face stated quite plainly that no one had ever said anything more endearing to him. He blinked, head tipping slightly to one side; then he burst out with that warm, sweet laughter again. 

"The rain is not so bad all the time," he countered, smiling. "Rainy _nights_ are a bit depressing for me, yes, and certainly rather bad for Sanzo's moods as well, but rainy _days_ have never much bothered me. And rain itself is somehow pleasant." He raised one finger again as he spoke, subtly encouraging his listener's attention, an unconscious habit leftover from his teaching days. "It's cleansing, and usually quite peaceful. Also a natural necessity." 

Gojyo shook his head again and grinned. "Alright. Fine. From now on, it can never rain at night." He turned, staring expectantly out at the rain, which of course continued to fall despite his decree. "Well, dammit." He shrugged. "The weather doesn't listen to me any better than the rest of the world does..." He shot a glance at his friend from the corner of his eye. 

Hakkai was still smiling. Good.

Gojyo shrugged casually and turned back. "Worth a shot, I guess." He flashed his most disarming grin. "Sorry it didn't work."

Hakkai composed his face into an expression of solemnity that didn't quite mask the amusement dancing in his emerald eyes. "It is, after all, the thought that counts. Thank you." Those eyes turned back to the rain, and the amusement slowly faded.

"You know, it's rather odd," he mused softly, sadness lacing his tone. "I hardly think of her at all anymore, except for nights like this..."

"Doesn't mean you didn't love her," Gojyo offered quietly. "It's been a long time; that kinda thing is bound to fade a little as years go by."

Hakkai said nothing.

"Doesn't mean you're gonna forget her, either," Gojyo added after a moment, uncertain if his friend really needed him to be saying anything but wanting to speak the assurances regardless. "There's always gonna be things that remind you of her, and she's always gonna have her place in your heart." 

"Indeed." Hakkai shifted a little, stepping to the balcony's edge, hands gripping the rail before him as his head bowed slightly. "But...I do wonder, if I am willing to open the rest of my heart to that sort of risk again." 

Faced with the taut lines of Hakkai's bared back, Gojyo wasn't quite sure what ought to be said to that; when Hakkai got this melancholy, he was never certain of the best way to handle things. There was more to the other's mood than had been revealed so far; of that Gojyo was very sure. He moved to lean against his own rail, at the corner where both joined, remaining close to the man who'd taught him what 'friend' actually meant, offering a supporting presence without consciously realizing that he meant to do so. Hakkai was very important to him, was an integral part of his life, and Gojyo had no decent words to express such sentiments. Actions would have to speak for him, even if he couldn't really pin down exactly what it was he was trying to convey. His eyes stayed on Hakkai while he searched his mind for something useful or at least reassuring to say.

_Pretty...he really is pretty,_ he thought, half-consciously, studying that shadowed downcast profile. His gaze was drawn to the dark tapering line of his friend's hair where it met pale skin at the nape of Hakkai's neck; suddenly, Gojyo found himself wondering if that skin would taste as warm and delicate as it looked, found himself entertaining a faint notion of brushing his lips against it to find out and trailing around to nibble at Hakkai's earlobe... 

_\--the_ hell _?_ He blinked, surprised, and dismissed the bizarrely random thought, chalking it up to fatigue. _I need sleep_ he concluded, shifting slightly. _But Hakkai needs me right now, and he's more important._

"Poets and romantics will babble on and on about love bein' worth every risk," he said quietly at last, pulling himself back into the moment. "And I suppose maybe they could be right. But what would I know about it?" He shook his head, feeling suddenly useless. "What makes you wonder 'bout re-opening your heart, anyway? Got someone back home you never told me about?" The question was asked gently, soberly, completely devoid of the lecherous innuendo that would have been directed at Sanzo or Goku, if he'd been having this conversation with either of them. 

The visible corner of Hakkai's mouth pulled up very slightly. "There...is someone, yes, who...has...earned a place, alongside Kanan's memory." His words emerged carefully, as though they traversed a minefield in the speaking. 

"Well, well. You do keep secrets from me after all." Gojyo shook his head, impressed. "Who is she? Anyone I know? Or--" He broke off, struck by a sudden thought. "It's that babe who fights for Kougaiji, isn't it." 

There was a brief note of laughter from Hakkai that didn't quite qualify as mirthful before he answered, his hesitation evident. "It's...not Miss Yaone, no. In fact...it's not..." He turned, eyes meeting Gojyo's almost nervously, his expression tense and on edge. "It's not even a 'she', I'm afraid." 

_Oh._ Gojyo blinked. _OHHHH..._ He stared back at Hakkai, processing the revelation. He'd never had the faintest idea that his friend might be in to guys.

"I've only just realized what I feel tonight," Hakkai added, either reading Gojyo's mind again or perhaps merely interpreting the reactions on his face. "But it has been a long time building." 

"Ah. Well. Damn." Gojyo shook his head, determined to come up with a better response than that. Hakkai liking a guy was definitely unexpected, but it wasn't the kind of thing that bothered him or made him uneasy. "Okay then--is _he_ anyone that I know?" 

Hakkai paled noticeably. "...In a manner of speaking, yes..."

Clearly this confession was awkward and uncomfortable for Hakkai; Gojyo reached over and landed a casual punch lightly against his friend's shoulder. "Hey. Relax, over there. You like girls, you like guys, you like both--doesn't matter to me, and I'm not about to go tell your secrets to Sanzo or Goku either." He had another sudden thought. "Not one of them, is it?" 

"Ahh..."

Gojyo slapped a hand to his forehead in exaggerated melodrama. "Aw, _crap_ \--don't tell me you've got a thing for Monkey Boy..."

Hakkai let a tiny note of laughter slip. "No--"

Gojyo assumed an expression of mock-dread. "Sanzo, then?" He let more than a hint of panic bleed into his voice. "Am I gonna have to start bein' _nice_ to him?"

Hakkai's laughter this time was a little more natural. "No. Not Sanzo."

"Ah. Good." Gojyo grinned. "I don't think Goku would let you have him without a fight, anyway." He blinked, Hakkai's unexpected confession suddenly throwing a new light of possibility on Goku's behaviour toward their de facto leader. "Wait a sec--you don't suppose that's why he's so devoted to Sanzo?" His grin widened. "Well _that_ would really explain an awful lot--" 

"Gojyo."

Hakkai's voice had gone back to nervous; Gojyo stopped his aimless musings and turned a serious face to the other once again. "I'm listenin', Hakkai, I am. Talk to me." He placed one hand over his friend's on the railing, an unconsciously-supportive gesture, meant to encourage. 

He was not expecting the startled jerk of Hakkai's hand beneath his touch. 

And he was definitely not expecting--and not at all prepared--for the sudden warmth of Hakkai's mouth pressed abruptly to his a second later.


	3. Chapter 3

Hakkai hadn't planned on kissing Gojyo. He hadn't even planned on telling him anything just yet. The newly-realized depth of emotion he was discovering this night was just too fresh and unsorted to be adequately conveyed to its focal subject.

Gojyo, however, had a way of opening him up that Hakkai had often found both pleasant and comfortable; tonight, it proved to be his undoing. Gojyo's befuddled disappointment at the lack of deeper meaning to his physical conquests hadn't helped things, either, inciting the desire within Hakkai that he should be the one to fill the lonely emptiness to which his friend had roundaboutly confessed. 

Watching Gojyo pace languidly about the balcony in nothing but his trousers and his sex-mussed hair had only heightened Hakkai's newfound physical attraction to the man, further distracting his sensibilities. Gojyo's efforts to talk him through his mood and cheer him up were renewedly endearing; Hakkai soon found himself with little hope of keeping his revelations to himself. Gojyo's mere presence tugged at something deep within him, something that had always been there and was only now being recognized and acknowledged as more than simple friendship or camaraderie. He was drawn inexorably to Gojyo, compelled to lay bare his discovery despite his misgivings; yet still he hesitated, caution and wisdom dictating that he break the news carefully. 

He failed in that as well. The gentle touch of Gojyo's hand covering his had startled him in its casual unexpectedness; compulsion surged within him and before he quite realized what he was doing, Hakkai found himself leaning over the rail and pressed lip-to-lip with Gojyo. 

There was only a brief suspended second in which they both registered the act and its significance before Gojyo jerked away, back-pedaling.

" _Hakkai_ \--what the hell--!" Gojyo's arm lifted reflexively and he wiped at his mouth with the back of his fist, eyes wide in shock, heart pumping madly beneath his ribs as adrenaline surged into his system. 

Hakkai blinked, more surprised by the fact that he had actually kissed his friend than anything else and yet a little hurt by Gojyo's all-too-predictable reaction; the smile he offered up was slightly sad, slightly bitter, and very, very small. 

"Well. It seems that I can't keep secrets from you after all."

Gojyo took one last swipe across his lips and lowered his arm, shock still written plainly all over his face. He opened his mouth, fully intending to ask some mostly-rational question on the order of 'What the hell do you think you were doing?'; but all that came out was a soft, hoarse croak of disbelief. 

" _Me_?"

"I'm afraid so."

Gojyo shook his head, still trying to wrap his brain around the idea that he was the subject of the affections they'd been discussing.

"Hakkai...you _kissed_ me." It was almost an accusation.

"Yes."

Gojyo's lips were still warm with the brief pressure of Hakkai's against them; the adrenaline was still racing in his blood. That Hakkai...that he...it was the most bizarre turn of events he could imagine.

And part of him was excited by it.

He shook his head again.

"You fucking _kissed_ me!"

The tone was angry and confused, with just a hint of sympathy underneath; Hakkai sighed inwardly upon hearing it. Not that he'd had much chance to think on the subject, but he wouldn't really have expected Gojyo to respond any differently. 

"Yes, I kissed you," he affirmed mildly, his insides winding tighter. "Please, do forgive me for being so forward, but it's been rather a long night by now and I'm not at my social best." The words carried just a little bite of sarcasm; for all his understanding of what must be going through his friend's mind at the moment, the horrified reaction still stung. His arms slid unconsciously around his stomach. 

Goyjo shook his head again and reeled away from Hakkai, stumbling to the open face of the balcony, clutching at the railing before him. He stared down toward the ground two stories below with wide eyes, breath harsh in his throat. Unthinkable--it was unthinkable that one little act from his best friend could turn his reality so far on its ear this way. 

Hakkai. Hakkai...had...was...with him?

It was so outrageous, so completely insane, that he couldn't even form the thought coherently.

And yet at the same time, on some deep subconscious level, it somehow made perfect sense.

He closed his eyes and forced a slow, deep breath in and out of his lungs. He had to get a grip on himself, to master his shock and reign in his knee-jerk reactions, or he was going to make a real mess of things. He could feel Hakkai's gaze boring into his naked back, unrelenting, waiting, and he couldn't help feeling just a bit guilty. Here was Hakkai, baring his soul quite unexpectedly, and Gojyo had responded by scrubbing at his mouth and all but spitting to rid himself of the kiss. 

That flat-out rejection had to have hurt; he didn't want to hurt Hakkai, not ever, but...

Really, what was he supposed to do? Profess his undying affections in return?

That would be stupid, now, because he didn't feel the same way about Hakkai. He couldn't. Hakkai was a man, after all, and...he just couldn't.

Could he?

Behind him, Hakkai heaved a quiet sigh. Really, this could have gone so much better, but there was no help for it now. He'd come straight out and kissed his friend, and Gojyo did not seem particularly receptive to the admissions being made. 

His arms wrapped more tightly about his middle, and he wished in vain that he hadn't so casually discarded his shirt before leaving his room. He felt entirely too vulnerable, now, in so many ways.

Perhaps it would be best to simply excuse himself and give Gojyo a chance to come to grips with the blow he'd delivered.

And yet...he couldn't honestly blame Gojyo for his reactions; this whole affair was so horribly unexpected, so sudden...

"It's not as though this is easy for me, either," he spoke up at last, half-defensive and half-sympathetic. "I never had any intention of coming to care this deeply for you. I had no intention of caring so deeply for anyone, ever again. But...this evening has drawn me down a path of discovery, and I can't ignore the things that it's led me to realize." 

Gojyo said nothing, did not acknowledge his words in any way, the heavy pause between the two of them underscored by the soft unhurried rushing of the rain.

"I...perhaps...I'll leave you alone, then," Hakkai said softly, a note of defeat in his tone. "Only..." He sighed, distractedly combing a hand up under his bangs in a gesture of helpless futility. "Please, Gojyo...give it some thought?" He had no real hope that Gojyo would be any happier with the news after thinking about it, but what else was he supposed to say? "I won't push...and in fact, I won't even mention it if you prefer. I'm not at all willing to destroy the friendship already between us." 

He turned from the center railing, melancholy descending on him once again as he moved for his room.

At the outer rail, Gojyo's thoughts were still screaming blindly into one another, his composure scattering in circles before them.

This was nuts, absolutely nuts. He wanted to deny the course of the last few minutes, to deny that Hakkai had confessed to...to caring for him; to deny the warmth welling in his chest as the notion sank in, to deny the realizations trying to surface. 

But he couldn't.

Hakkai had _kissed_ him.

And that brief, fleeting contact had been more electric than any kiss he'd had in a very long time.

Admitting that to himself scared him more than anything yet. 

Was it really possible? Could...could Hakkai be what he needed to fill that subtle emptiness that only seemed to yawn wider with each one-night conquest he landed? Hakkai, with his drowning-deep eyes and soft voice and sunny smiles and warm laughter? Hakkai, who was never too busy or too tired to lend him a sympathetic ear, who routinely nursed him back from his worst hangovers with no complaint? 

Hakkai, who cheerfully reminded him that Tuesday was laundry-day and that trash went out Thursdays and that the bills must be paid by the first, who weathered his attempts at cooking with brave amusement and gallantly volunteered to go for take-out when those attempts turned disastrous... 

...Hakkai, who had challenged his entire perception of worthlessness, had stepped in with quiet and deadly force to pick him out of the last mess Banri had dragged him into...

...Hakkai, who'd silently offered a shoulder and a sheltering embrace when he broke down in drunken tears that one night and spilled the whole tragic tale of his brother's sacrifice...

...Hakkai, who time and again doused Sanzo's wrath and ran interference with the priest on his behalf...

...Hakkai, who even now asked nothing of him but consideration and never mind the personal repercussions...

Could it be?

He had only seconds to choose his course of action--let Hakkai go, and let the frightening possibilities fade with the night, or call Hakkai back, and give him the chance he hadn't quite asked for.

Gojyo's hands clenched on the railing. He was scared, hell yes he was. Scared out of his mind--there were avenues that he had never imagined trying to open before him, doorways that would drastically change his life if he chose to walk through them. 

It was beyond frightening.

But damned if Sha Gojyo was going to let himself be ruled by fear.

"Hey. Hakkai."

The low voice stopped Hakkai at his doorway, drew him back a step, made him turn even as he quelled the faint flutter of hope stirring deep within.

"Do...t...n, w...ja?"

Hakkai blinked, pausing, unable to quite hear what his friend had murmured so softly. He moved a step closer. At least Gojyo was speaking to him; that was almost certainly better than nothing. "I'm sorry; what?" 

Gojyo's bare back was tense; his head was still lowered, face hidden by the fall of his hair, an intense flare of rich burgundy color against the darkness of the night beyond.

Slowly, he turned and lifted his chin, meeting Hakkai's resigned-yet-perplexed gaze.

"I said do it again, wouldja?"

Hakkai's heart stumbled, disbelieving, even as Gojyo moved to where he stood, putting them face-to-face. There was fear in those sunset eyes, fear and foreboding and uncertainty backed by determination and just a hint of wonder-- 

Hakkai didn't question the request.

It was more than he would have expected from Gojyo so soon.

He swallowed, mouth dry, inhibition taking hold of him suddenly--the first kiss was spontaneous and almost reflexive, not really realized until it was done. But to kiss Gojyo deliberately...

His heart thumped markedly beneath his ribs.

It was very, _very_ different.

Palms sweating, he leaned in; hesitated; gave his friend the chance to back out; leaned in again; tilted his head...

...and closed his eyes, breath bated as his lips _touched_ Gojyo's, and pressed them softly...

His hands he kept to himself, gripping the polished wood of the rail tightly, resisting the desire to touch Gojyo's face, to trail his fingertips across those scars on his friend's cheek and down that shadowed neck. It was enough that Gojyo should let him take a real kiss, that Gojyo had asked it of him. 

And then Gojyo's mouth moved against his--hesitant, careful, but unmistakably responsive, and sunlight flooded softly through Hakkai's veins.

It felt...it felt as though some forgotten memory long buried had come to light at last; as though every cell in his body sighed with the knowledge that _this_ was how things were supposed to be.

He meant to keep it brief, he truly did, but Gojyo's awkward return of the kiss somehow bypassed his intentions completely and he found himself lingering, willing the moment to continue indefinitely while he savored each sensation. He'd never kissed anyone but Kanan; Gojyo felt so utterly different and yet still just as right, so much so that the hair at the back of his neck stood on end, and he shivered. 

If he'd had any clinging doubts about what he really felt for his longtime companion, they vanished without resistance beneath the surging emotions that welled in response to the kiss being shared. 

He would give his very life for Gojyo, without hesitation or remorse; would kill for him as he had for Kanan, and the consequences be damned.

Gojyo, for his part, felt as though he'd somehow channeled a raging thunderstorm into his blood and lightning now ran in his veins. The way that Hakkai kissed him--it was simple, and chaste, and utterly devoid of carnal motivations, and it turned him completely inside out. He had no choice but to reciprocate, any qualms about kissing a man momentarily swept aside by the realizations blooming deep within him. 

Hakkai...Hakkai was so close to his heart, was dearer to him than any woman could ever be, that diffident kiss more deeply intimate than anything the sultriest temptress could hope to offer. Gojyo found himself falling, caught in the moment, needing Hakkai in a way he'd long ago given up hope of ever feeling. 

It shook him to the core.

He kissed with an awkwardness he hadn't battled since he was a young teenager, all his prior experience somehow useless in the face of the fact that this was Hakkai rather than some random woman he was trying to seduce into bed. And the physical differences, the sameness in their height, the distinctly masculine shape of Hakkai's mouth, the firm yield of his lips, the lack of any girly perfumes--all of it only served to underscore the significance of this kiss against anything that had come before. 

He reached clumsily for Hakkai, lost and overwhelmed and falling apart at the seams.

The fumbling touch of Gojyo's hands to his bare shoulders brought Hakkai back into the awkward reality of the moment. It was not clear if the other meant to push him away or simply to steady himself, but the kiss had lasted far longer than had been intended and Hakkai drew back, apprehension stealing over him now that the deed was done. He met Gojyo's gaze squarely nonetheless, and caught his breath at the look in those stunningly crimson eyes. 

He could see the disbelief and denial and self-definition crumbling as Gojyo faced the irrefutable evidence presented by his own heart; could see the fear and the wonder and the shock racing through his dear friend's mind. 

Gojyo stared back at him wordlessly for a long instant, clearly floored.

When he spoke at last, his words were very quiet.

"...ah, shit..."

A soft hint of a smile twitched at one corner of Hakkai's mouth; he could hardly have summed things up better himself.  
Gojyo blinked and shook his head, hands lifting to his temples as though to hold his skull together and his sanity intact. 

"Ah, _shit_ \--"

There was more force behind the expletive this time, but Gojyo couldn't help it. Quiet panic was beginning to slither up his spine and seep into his brain; he whirled from the railing and stalked the brief length of the balcony, breath shallow and rapid, trying unsuccessfully to stay one step ahead of the turmoil within. Kissing Hakkai--it had been better than kissing that waitress, better than the last girl he'd landed a month or so before, better than any woman he'd kissed in a very long time-- 

He couldn't dismiss it or explain it away, couldn't do anything but accept it, and he couldn't deny the flood of emotion that followed that acceptance.

_Damn. Shit! I...Hakkai...I-- Damn--_ Hakkai _...when...how--_ why _? Ah,_ shit _\--_

His thoughts chased helpless circles around one another, refusing to sort themselves into any real coherence; that sense of panic rose stronger and stronger by the second, riding the rapid beat of his hammering pulse, swirling him into one last-ditch effort at denial in a futile attempt to calm himself down. 

Love was not a concept that he was at all well-acquainted with; it was utterly ridiculous that he should suddenly have the word bouncing around in his head because of one little--

The firm warmth of Hakkai's lips against his swarmed to the forefront of Gojyo's mind and he shook the sensation away, panic and denial rising another notch. 

This connection, this powerful surge of emotion sparked by and focused on Hakkai--it was only because the kiss they'd shared was the soft and gentle kind, not the hot-blooded persuasive kind of foreplay he was used to laying on the women he seduced. If he kissed Hakkai like that, then, he could prove it was all just some misunderstanding and this frightening intensity he felt would fade and somehow life would return to normal by the time the sun rose. 

He knew it was faulty logic--weak, disjointed, and utterly backward, but desperate to cling to the last crumbling bits of his comfort zones, he acted on it anyway. He strode back to the rail in three long steps; before he quite realized what he meant to do he had seized Hakkai by the upper arms and crushed the other man's mouth fiercely under his own. 

Hakkai's startled exclamation was lost in the meeting.

And Gojyo kissed Hakkai, kissed his closest friend, hard and ravenously, but it did him no good. The unbridled perfection he'd tasted the first two times returned ten-fold, swamping his senses and dragging him under. He had no choice but to admit defeat at last and accept that he was lost. His heart and his soul belonged completely to Hakkai and had since the very beginning, from the moment he'd found the beautiful green-eyed youkai blood-soaked and gutted and dying in the rain that night, and it had taken him until now to recognize it. 

Hakkai could not suppress the shiver that ran through him at the taste of Gojyo's mouth and the grip of Gojyo's hands against the naked skin of his biceps; his friend was kissing him with an aggressive desperation that he couldn't have so soon anticipated and it took him completely by surprise, flooding swiftly through his body in a warm rush of life, lighting every nerve with tingling electricity and tugging softly at his groin. 

_It's not just me...oh, heavens, he feels it too--_

The thought sparked briefly in a flash of glad relief, and Hakkai surged into the kiss, needing to give just as much as was being poured into him.

Their epiphany lasted only a moment and then Gojyo broke off, letting go with a jerk, stepping back, making them separate once again. He turned away, tremors running through his body.

When wordsmiths speak of romance, they speak often of trembling--in fear, in anticipation, in desire. Gojyo was not trembling. He was outright shaking, the look on his face somewhere between wonder and shock with a visible wisp of hysteria underneath as he wrapped his arms around himself and fixed his friend with wide, panicked eyes. 

"...Ah _shit_ , Hakkai--!"

He took a shaky step back, and then another; then, wooden and numb, he fell to his knees, hands still locked in a death grip around his arms.

He looked as though he was trying to hold himself together, keep himself from completely falling apart.

"Gojyo..." Hakkai swung up onto the railing and paused, compelled to go to the shell-shocked redhead but hesitating nonetheless, not sure quite what he ought to do. He wanted to slip down and kneel beside Gojyo, calm him, reassure him, kiss him again; somehow, though, he feared that doing so would only serve to spook his friend further. Yet just standing on his own side of the balcony, feeling so far away despite the boundaries that were fast fading in their relationship, seemed rather foolish. 

In the end, he settled for remaining seated on the rail that had been between them, leaving the physical barrier eliminated while still giving Gojyo his space.

Gojyo paid him no heed, huddled stiffly in on himself, lowered face hidden by the vibrant fall of his hair, shock churning its way through him with relentless intent. It defied every dismissal he tried to come up with, left him raw and defenseless in its wake as he struggled to simply accept. 

Hakkai cared for him, far beyond the bounds of simple friendship.

And he, for all his shameless bragging of the women he seduced, cared just as deeply in return. There was no dismissing it, no laughing it off, no explaining it away. He cared.

He _cared_. For a man. For Hakkai.

Hakkai.

Life was never going to be the same.

At long last, when the reality of the path he had stepped onto tonight began to settle from blind-sided shock into quiet resolute acceptance, he found sanity beginning to return; gradually, his borderline-hysteria began to fade and his shaking to calm. Loosening a little, he drew a few slow, deep breaths and, after several long moments more, finally relaxed the vise of his own embrace. Hesitantly, he lifted his head to look on Hakkai with haunted, wondering eyes.

Hakkai gazed back down at him, saying nothing, his face open and sincere and hopelessly affectionate, the softest hint of a fond smile lingering about his lovely mouth.

_I...love him._ The thought drifted unbidden into Gojyo's mind with quiet conviction, gentle yet firm, silencing the last of his doubts in spite of his long-held opinion that words like that had nothing to do with him. 

His eyes fell away self-consciously; distracted and still a bit uncertain, he glanced aside at the softly falling rain, focusing on that natural calm a moment or two before letting his gaze return to Hakkai.

Hakkai said nothing still, giving him all the time in the world.

Gojyo found himself wondering how he had ever overlooked the bond between them, how he had managed to dismiss it as simple friendship, how he had ever mistaken what Hakkai meant to him as anything other than what he now recognized it to be. "How...how did I _not_ see this?" he asked at last, quietly, raking his hands back through his hair in an absent, distracted gesture. 

Hakkai shook his head slightly, that hint of a smile broadening the tiniest bit. "You had no cause to look for it," he answered gently, captivated by this all-too-rare unobstructed view of Gojyo's face. " _We_ had no cause. The possibility never occurred to me, either, but tonight...it...well, somehow, it's become quite unavoidable!" 

Gojyo stared at Hakkai a moment more, then released his hair and dropped his hands with the faintest shake of his head. "I had no idea I was so blind," he said, mostly to himself, a pale hint of regret in his tone. He shifted, rocking back on his heels and rising smoothly to his feet, arms folding loosely across his stomach as his gaze slid sideways to the rain again. After a brief moment, he turned and leaned once more against the rail, still watching the summer downpour, and shook his head. "Damn. All my years bragging about the ladies and it turns out I fall for a man--Goku's _never_ going to let me live this down." 

Hakkai couldn't help a chuckle at that, even as something melted within him to hear Gojyo-- _Gojyo_ , of all people--admitting to emotional attachments aloud. "Perhaps...I think Goku does not necessarily need to know, if that would make you more comfortable," he offered. "Nor anyone, for that matter, really..." 

Gojyo shook his head again, the corner of his mouth quirking upward. "No sense sneakin' around in secret, really--he's a smart little monkey; he'd figure it out soon enough. Not much that gets past Sanzo, either--we'd just piss 'em off if we tried to hide it." 

"Ah. Yes, you're right," Hakkai agreed, amused, turning his head to follow Gojyo's gaze out to the soft patter of the rain. He considered sliding down, moving to stand next to his friend, bring them comfortably closer; he remained where he was, choosing to let Gojyo be the one to dictate the pace of acceptance. 

As if on some unspoken cue, Gojyo found the nerve in that moment to turn and face him at last. 

Hakkai looked up, and met that somber gaze, and fell into those singular dark crimson eyes, eyes that reminded him less of blood these days and more of...of a fine red wine, rich and intoxicating... 

Tentatively, Gojyo reached up, not quite touching Hakkai's face; then, carefully, he slipped the eyepiece gently out of place and tucked it into his own pocket. 

"It's you, y'know. You're...what I was missing..." 

The tender, hesitant wonder in Gojyo's voice sent a shiver of quiet contentment down Hakkai's spine; his lips curved softly in a warm smile of shared discovery as he spoke in return.

"And you have given me...the most agreeable memories to attach to this rainy night, and I truly..." He searched for the right words, words that would express what he felt without sounding clingy or sappy, even knowing that Gojyo would understand the significance regardless. "I do appreciate that." 

Gojyo cocked one eyebrow, a hint of the usual lascivious mischief returning to his tone. "Maybe next time it rains, then, I can...ah, give you more to appreciate..." He couldn't help tripping over his delivery, unaccustomed as he was to propositioning any man much less Hakkai. 

But he found, as Hakkai stilled and looked at him, coloring faintly in return, that he meant it wholeheartedly.

Hakkai blinked at last, the blush fading. "Ah...well! There's no rush," he said lightly, and flashed that sunny smile, a thread of amusement laced beneath his tone. "But I think that I would like that." 

"Heh." And for once, Gojyo didn't know what else to say.

And maybe, he thought, as Hakkai gazed down at him, and lifted a hand to gently run the pad of his thumb along the scars on Gojyo's cheek, maybe there really weren't any more words that needed to be said.

Hakkai lingered over the touch, indulging the compulsion to lavish tender kindness on the badges of tragedy that marked Gojyo's face, grateful that the other should let him do so and finding himself wishing absently that Gojyo would cut his hair as he had done before and stop hiding that lovely countenance from the world. 

And then, finally, there was nothing left to do but kiss him again and Hakkai lingered over that as well, letting his fingertips slide softly down beneath Gojyo's ear, threading them into the scarlet silk they encountered as they curved behind that slim neck and tilted Gojyo's face up to his. He savored the touch of those full, willing lips, the warm taste of that mouth, lost himself in the newborn wonder of friendship-turned-deeper that twisted his stomach in an entirely delightful manner and made him feel more gloriously alive than he had in a very long time. 

Hakkai's perch on the rail gave him the height advantage, but Gojyo found that it really didn't bother him as he would have expected it to. Nothing about Hakkai made him feel girly in any way; the hand cradled behind his neck was comfortable, gentle, and utterly welcome, somehow adding to the soft beauty of the lips tasting his. And somewhere deep down, he could almost feel that subtle hollow ache that had been growing unnoticed for so long within him beginning to fill and fade, supplanted at last by the desires and emotions that Hakkai had uncovered with his confessions and his kisses. 

Gojyo kissed him back, matched his unhurried affection, settled warm hands at the curve of his hips to pull him marginally closer; together, blissfully oblivious to the world beyond their balcony, they embraced the changes wrought by the night, softly devouring one another's mouths while the rain pattered blithely against the roof overhead. 

And in the darkness of Hakkai's abandoned room, Hakuryuu watched sleepily through the still-open door as they ended the kiss at last, as Hakkai's arm curved to hold Gojyo's head close against his chest, as Hakkai's head bowed and his lips came to rest softly against Gojyo's hair, as Gojyo's eyes closed in an expression of contented weariness and Gojyo's arms slid that much closer about Hakkai's waist. 

With a satisfied air, the little dragon blew a soft snort of drowsy amusement through his nostrils and laid his head down again, scarlet eyes blinking closed as he settled in to truly sleep at last. 

All in all, it really was high time that the two of them should have figured things out.


End file.
